I have struggled with mental illness for more than half my life.
When I was younger, the quiet voice inside almost convinced me to leave this world for good. I was so close to ending my life, and I didn’t care. I wanted all the bad things to go away. I was hopeless and thought I was helpless. That’s what depression does to a person. It breaks you down, and feeds you these lies that you are not good enough to be part of this world. Well it is WRONG. You ARE good enough. But sometimes it takes awhile to figure that out.
I ended up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt, and that’s when I realized that I didn’t want to die, I wanted to keep on living, I just didn’t know how to. I was afraid of living, the concept of getting up everyday and doing something new, terrified me. I wanted to stay locked up, in the safety of the darkness. It can be so alluring when you are lost and alone.
It took me a long time to get to a point where that quiet voice inside no longer whispered those tempting, defeating thoughts. But I was finally able to take it all at face value. And realize that I had self-worth, even though I was a work in progress. I wish I could tell you that it was something that happened instantly, and goes away for good, but it doesn’t. There are still times I struggle with keeping the darkness away, but I don’t let those thoughts stay and fester like I once did.
Life is precious. I used to think that was cliché, but it’s the truth. We spend so much time dealing with upsets and negativity that we don’t give the good things their proper credit. The bad often overshadows the triumphs, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You are the one in control of your “destiny”. If you allow the negative to take over, you are giving in to the dark.
Now I want to take what little time I have,and live life. There are positive forces that keep propelling me forward. My son gives me a reason to get up in the morning. And I take the time to see the GOOD things that are part of my life. It isn’t an easy road, but life IS worth living.