First and foremost, this is not a pity post. It’s quite the opposite actually.
I find that being the centre of attention has never been what I have striven for in my life. I would rather be working my magic behind the scenes, wherever that may be. Being shy and overly self-conscious has also played a major role in this over the years as well.
I was always that quiet girl in the back of class. I despised being called on in class, and often struggled with finding my words when I had to answer a question in front of everyone. I didn’t like being singled out, and would rather meld back into the shadows and happily be forgotten. I suppose this was around the time my Depression starting creeping in more and more, but that is a story for another time. Sure I have had friends over the years, but I always preferred to be on my own.
Instead of it being a hindrance, I feel as though it has allowed me to become a better person. I am a quiet observer to the world around me, able to take everything in at face value. With an open mind, there are so many wonderful things you can experience if you just watch, listen and learn. It’s how I was able to develop a way of reading people and their moods. That’s when others began to seek me out, for advice and a non-judgemental shoulder to cry on.
This was good and bad though. It meant that I could help people, and give them a way to vent their emotions and frustrations out, but that’s when the more self-serving individuals began to take advantage of my heart and mind. It was something I had allowed them to do, because I thought in order for me to be a vital part of their world I had to be a “saviour”. Don’t worry, I got my reality check quite quickly, and that’s when I began to stand up for myself.
I was voiceless because I had projected this invisible force upon myself. I had lost myself, and it was my own fault. I think these moments are crucial for our growth as human beings. That proverbial “slap in the face” needs to happen in order to wake or true selves up. There is nothing wrong with being a good person and helping others, but there is always a line and a limit.
I found myself saying “NO” more and being able to speak my mind. It was a new development in my life. I had always been used as a stepping stone for other people, always going above and beyond the call of duty and then being left in the dust for bigger and better things. I allowed others to treat me like dirt, because I never spoke up. It’s something that haunted me for years.
There’s nothing wrong with being that quiet guiding force. It takes all sorts to make the world go round. But never underestimate yourself, I did, and I was wrong. I am now paying for some of the choices I have made over the years, but it is never too late to reach up and ask for a hand.
I am strong, independent, loving, accepting and forever taking in my surroundings. Calculating and accessing each risk and being careful with who I let in to my heart and soul. I am quiet yet my voice is rising in the darkness, I will be heard. And even if you don’t see me, I am here. I always have been, and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.