Oh, look. Here we are in another month, another year, another day. And so on and so forth.
Do I have my ‘act’ together? Is there a big difference between now and who I was a year ago? I don’t know if I have the answer to that question. I’d like to think that I have progressed in mind, body, and soul, but maybe I am just bullshitting myself. It’s easy to do that, especially when you have all these grand expectations for yourself.
I find it uncomfortable to put myself under that “microscope”. I know there are things I should be doing, and accomplishing, but there is something that is always readily available to hold me back. Mental blockades or physical limitations, there is always an excuse, and always a way out. Maybe I am destined to keep my head just above the surface, going undetected and living a calm, quiet, serene life. No boat rocking, no big adventures, just existing in the mundane.
Do I want it to be like that? Again. There is no answer that I can find to that question, not yet. I don’t want to ask myself the hard things, because life has already been messed up enough as it is, without me asking for it. Perhaps it’s that unbridled fear that keeps me from reaching into the unknown and just taking those unexpected leaps. I have some sort of control over my destiny if I don’t run amiss and step outside the lines. Or maybe I don’t.
Life happens. Shit happens. Pain happens. No matter who you shape yourself to be. No matter the good deeds you do. No matter the goodness you strive to bring into the world, there are so many situations that can bring chaos and disruption into normality. I don’t think that I would take any of those moments back though, not even the really tough ones, the ones that could’ve ended me in an instant. I fully believe that going through hell has brought me to a different state of mind.
There is comfort in my skin, my thoughts, and my feelings. They mean something, if not to others, then they finally do to me. I feel like that is a step in the right direction, whichever that may be. I don’t have a grand plan, because I know how quickly that can change, so I try to just get through one day, and then another, and then another. I no longer find myself wishing for the moon, instead, I’m just content with making it through another night.
Maybe that isn’t enough. Maybe I should be aiming my sights for something bigger and bolder. Maybe this is all I’m meant to be at this moment in time.
Right now, I’m alive and that’s okay with me.
C.A. Gallinger
Inscribed Chaos 