Things just feel different these days.
I can’t quite put my finger on it, there is something in the air. A lightness that has been missing, something out there to grasp onto, and bring back to life. It’s as though the past few months, perhaps even longer, are finally finding some peace of mind. Instead of constantly clawing away at my insides, trying to escape, they are slumbering.
It may be that I have become numb to all these life “circumstances”, and on darker days I would attest to that line of thinking, but that doesn’t seem to be the case this time. Dare I say it, approaching the end of my thirties is giving me more to reflect upon, and less to worry about. I am well aware that there is an uphill battle that stands before me, but it doesn’t scare me like it used to. In fact, I welcome the challenge.
Hopefully, these words don’t come back to bite me in the ass, as they often do. The universe is a funny, fickle thing sometimes, but one has to think that freedom of choice still exists. Everything isn’t some predetermined fate, and if it is, I wish to remain blissfully unaware of that unnatural fact. There are brighter days ahead, but there are also days filled with sorrow and shadows, it’s the balance that must remain in order to appreciate the here and now.
I sound like some hippie spouting off sage advice when in reality I have no idea what I’m doing, or where I’m going with my life. I am just trying to find experiences that spark something “more”. That reminds me that I am alive, and still here to see another day and all the wonders it holds. Or the chaos. I won’t discount either. I am learning to be okay with not being okay all the time. It’s a process that is always changing, never staying still, but such is life.
I’m not sure how I would define what happiness looks like, since that too, is ever-changing. Right now there are opportunities that are just waiting to be found, and I am doing my due diligence in searching for them. I am more comfortable in my own skin and less concerned about what those around me think. If I had this mindset in my twenties, I believe I could’ve conquered the world and achieved my dreams, but that wasn’t where my path ended up. Mourning the loss of my former life will get me nowhere, and so much time has been lost doing just that.
Now is the time to celebrate the small victories and shake off the losses.
Am I happy? Well, I’m certainly not unhappy, and that’s a good place to start.
April, please be kind.
C.A. Gallinger
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