Have you ever been so inspired by an idea that it’s constantly gnawing at the back of your mind until you’re able to find some way to release it? It consumes you until you are able to put pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard. These are the ideas that keep striking me at random, and when I try to put words to my thoughts, it never seems to do them justice.
It has become a frustrating and overwhelming process, and there are some days I want to throw my computer through a window because everything I write down sounds muddled and disconnected, not at all like the vision that is dancing inside my head. I truly believe that we are our own worst critics, and I know that I’m not alone in that sentiment. Why is it so hard to sit back and appreciate whatever creative nonsense comes out? Shouldn’t all of it be celebrated, even if it’s utter crap?
Lately, I have been working on a project that was started near the end of last year. Every time I feel like I am getting close to polishing my work up, another idea decides to make itself known, and it won’t let go until I give it a chance to shine. I just want my words to have meaning and resonate with someone out there, connect with them as a reader, and work their way deep into the depths. Is that too much to ask?
That’s the problem I think, I don’t ask anymore. I keep most of my thoughts and ideas to myself, afraid that if I let someone read what I’ve written, they will see that I’m really a failure and have no idea what I’m doing. I’m not sure why that bothers me so much, or why those scenarios are always front and center when clearly it’s a nightmare of my own making. It’s difficult for me to have confidence in my abilities when I lived a life of never being good enough.
Even as I type this I wonder what gives me the audacity to complain about anything. The endless struggle that exists just under the surface is hard to deal with some days, but it isn’t always doom and gloom. I know that at times I come off as an emotionally unstable catastrophe, and overanalyze every. single. thing. That is the nature of the beast though, giving into all aspects of your inner self, the good and the bad.
So where was I going with all of this? I suppose it’s to just keep writing, getting your voice out there, no matter how it may sound to your own inner demons. Someone may be changed by what you have to say, motivated to make changes in their own lives. Who knows? Let the words flow through you.
Time to revise and edit, and maybe, just maybe, be a little kinder to myself. (and you should give yourself a break as well. Life is hard enough as it is.)
C.A. Gallinger
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